Blast from the Past

Today I was given a video of myself from four years ago, which I made as a sort of time capsule my freshman year. Watching it was strange, I knew that it was myself, but it also felt like this was my child in a strange way. I just wanted to tell past me that everything would be ok and give her a hug.

Funnily enough though, I think that she comforted me more and I could comfort her. Somehow in my wisdom I opened the message with “you did good, you have done a great job” and ended it with “if you’re happy, I’m happy” which nearly brought me to tears. I had no possible idea of what I was going to do then, but I was determined that it would be good.

And turns out that my plans didn’t change that much, I knew what I was going to major and minor in and my friends are mostly the same. You can tell though that I am also completely different now, just visually even. My glasses are different, my hair went from a ponytail to almost a pixie, and I had a necklace on in that video that my roommate gave me. So just the experience of seeing past me was a bit of a jolt, I forgot that was what I looked like.

Probably the most interesting part of the video though was when I was just talking about my day. Just getting a glimpse into my life was fascinating. That day I had class, then went to register my friend’s car, then had a meeting about an act I was working on (my first act, wow time flies), and after this I was going to talk to a professor about working in her lab. This professor is now my advisor, and I am still working in her lab! The progression of everything from then until now is incredible, because here I am as the finished project, while back then it was just the seeds.

There isn’t a big message or anything that I wanted to communicate with this post, other than the fact that it is fascinating to see yourself from years ago. And I wish I had the foresight to do that more often, because past me left a video about 10 minutes long but I could watch her for hours. It was a really pleasant surprise this morning. 😊

The problem with gay white men

I don't know what the hell it is about them, or why they do so many things that tick me off, but they need to develop some self-awareness fast.

Being gay does not make you immune to misogyny, racism, or classism. In fact, I would argue that it makes you even more likely to participate in misogyny since most gay men that I have met find me even more worthless (since I identify as female) since I am not a sexual object to them. As if people didn't have a purpose beyond being sexual objects. Degrading your friendship with someone because you aren't dating isn't making the other person feel any better. Overtly stating that you prefer one of your male friends isn't endearing.

Saying offensive stuff and then using the excuse "it's fine, I'm gay" doesn't help either. Straight men aren't the only ones who are offensive to women, other races, or anyone else. That also misses the point completely. Sexism and racism are unconscious biases that we ALL have, myself included. Whether you happen to be part of a minority population or not doesn't fix that. It can only be combated by educating yourself and realizing these biases that you possess and how you may be acting on them.

And this self-awareness is really incredible since they never seem to shut up about themselves. Everything is a direct attack on them as a homosexual, nothing faces the LGBTQIA community at large, it's all specifically directed at them. I mean, sure, they're included in that, but realize that there are people worse off out there. Not everyone is a northeastern hipster with a buttload of privilege that they couldn't even begin to unpack. Most of the time you cannot bring up the subject of other people's plight without some genius launching off into how he has been personally victimized and his own struggles and how horrible it is for him when what we're trying to discuss someone else entirely. Part of being an ally and helping others is knowing when to shut up and listen instead. Talking about yourself incessantly means that you are, knowingly or not, taking up time that someone else could use more effectively, and voice opinions that aren't usually heard.

Sure I understand why this is, as part of the LGBTQIA community I get it. I know that you were growing up with a lot of insecurities about who you are, and that part of being in the closet means hiding and not talking to others, and how great it can feel when you're finally out and can talk about this. But I also know my place in the conversation, and I know that my problems aren't the most severe out there. And I think that this is something that the gay community as a whole needs to grasp.

Only Four Years of Undergrad

Something that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is the fact that 4-year colleges have a pretty high turnover rate. Students only spend four years here, which is not very long at all. It’s less than half a decade, and during a period of time where a lot of learning and growing is being done.

This means that with student leadership, it can feel very much so as though the blind are leading the blind. Because those in positions of more responsibility have been doing this for three years at the most, which is an incredibly short period of time. And it is hard to make super huge changes, when every year the new freshmen need to be taught and brought up to speed.

It can also be hard to conceptualizing issues and put them into a larger context, when all you have is a window of four years, you don’t know all of the history behind problems. Issues can arise and fester without people even being aware of them. Which is why it’s really beneficial to have people with institutional knowledge, because most individuals have no sense of the larger continuity within the community.

However this also means that there is constantly an influx of new ideas. Which is not a power to be underestimated, when people are around for a long period of time, they can get stuck in the way that things have always been done. With old eyes leaving and new ones constantly coming in, there’s never a shortage of new perspectives and ideas. Which is why there is always so much change happening on college campuses.

Undergraduate colleges are a really unique environment. The high turnover rate means that there is constantly changes underway, but can also mean that there is a lack of remembrance. It is important to keep the two in balance, and hopefully those who reach their last few years at a college realize the limitations of their knowledge of the school. Because this can mean that they are ill-equipped to handle problems that arise, and fully address their causes.

Not Caring Actually Improves My Performance

Ok so there’s this theory in psychology called the Yerkes-Dodson law that essentially plots the relationship between arousal and performance. The idea is that if you don’t care enough, you do poorly, but if you care too much you also perform poorly. The trick is to hit the sweet spot in the middle.

Honestly though, I think that I perform better when I’m under less pressure and don’t care as much about what happens. It could just be me, but frankly pressure tends to get to me very easily.

One example is that I used to care a lot about my performance in dance class. If I got corrections I was embarrassed and I really really wanted to do well. This stopped about halfway through last year, I quit caring as much about dance simply because I didn’t have the capacity to do that anymore. It became a form of exercise that had no bearing on the rest of my life, I showed up, I danced, I left. And I think I improved as a result. Or at least, my mental health improved. I stopped evaluating myself based on how I did in class. I much prefer it this way.

I think that if you don’t have that much investment in an activity, you’re going to do better because now you’re doing it for yourself. Whether you succeed or fail, the only one who is going to know or care is you. And in the end, that’s what it comes down to. You’re only accountable to yourself, go out there and make you proud.

Collaboration Challenges, Namely Your Huge Ego

Truly, the direction that I think art is going in is one of more collaboration. Let’s be honest, egos are horrible, as are group projects. There are hurdles to overcome with this, but I think that it’s possible, and would be very groundbreaking.

First of all, it’s obvious: we have all got an enormous ego. Most of us probably pretend that we don’t, but do anyways on the inside. But literally what is the point of this? Much better things are made when everyone is thinking less of themselves and more of the final product. In that case, it is beyond time to quit thinking of ourselves exclusively, and think more about the world we live in. The goal is not to reach a point where you never say “I” or “me,” the goal is to realize that it doesn’t matter whether you use first person singular or plural pronouns (“we”).

Here’s the problem though, nearly everything we do is built on our ego. Every project, every purchase, nearly every action. We live in a world built on ourselves and the individual. I’m not saying completely eliminate that, but it makes it much harder to work together when everyone is so used to everything revolving around themselves. Are we capable of dismantling this? At all?

Personally I think so. Postmodern art revolves around the fact that there are no unique ideas or experiences, so give it up. Everything has been thought of before, so stop trying to come up with something entirely new. Instead, come up with a way to portray something differently. This gets rid of the ego aspect, since there is no original content involved, it is only a reinterpretation.

I think we can take this a step further, and eliminate the ego entirely. Let’s start working as a collective on projects, no one person gets any credit for anything. Sure you have to find the right people who are entirely on board with this, but you could make some absolutely amazing works with this mentality. Let’s give it a shot.

The Appeal of Kid’s Cartoons

I feel like we live in a golden age of cartoons or something. There are cartoons aimed at children (Steven Universe for example), and there are cartoons aimed at adults (Rick and Morty). Regardless of who it’s aimed at though, it seems to me as though more and more “adults” are watching “kids” cartoons. This is included, but not limited to, shows like Steven Universe, Race to the Edge (DreamWorks Dragons aka How to Train Your Dragon the tv show), or Gravity Falls.

I’m not totally sure if this is an actual phenomenon, or whether I’m just more conscious of it. Certainly I’m part of a demographic that grew up with cartoons, and therefore there are animated series aimed at us, such as Race to the Edge, that are essentially a continuation of cartoons from our younger days. I think that this observation goes beyond that though.

Part of it is that cartoons as a medium are being taken more seriously. About a decade ago, cartoons were seen as something for children, but the rise of shows like The Simpsons or South Park have made them relevant to adults as well (these shows are clearly not for kids).

What I think is happening now is that children’s cartoons are being taken more seriously, the writing is getting better and more developed than before. Characters on Steven Universe deal with issues like gender identity and abusive relationships, that would never have happened even a few years ago. Gravity Falls is a surprisingly complex show, with Easter eggs hidden all over for viewers to spot. And that’s appealing to older viewers as well.

It's kind of wonderful to watch, here’s a genre that nearly everyone has seen (think Disney) but clearly has not reached its full potential yet. And here we are watching it grow! I’m excited to see what happens.

Connection Between Beethoven and Nietzsche/Plato

One of Ludwig von Beethoven’s most well known pieces is his Piano Sonata in C Minor, also known as the Pathétique Sonata. This is a very emotionally charged piece, which supposedly Beethoven wrote to deal with his suicidal urges after going deaf. The emotion behind this piece connects to Nietzsche’s ideas about the purposes of tragedy in Ancient Greek society, and Plato’s fears about art. Therefore it would be endorsed in Nietzsche’s realm of art, and forbidden within Plato’s.

In the title of the piece, pathétique here refers to pathos, or suffering. It features a recurring theme of heavy headed chords slamming down one after another to symbolize the depression Beethoven feels. This theme is broken up by lighter sections of music, to show how the depression continually comes back to haunt him. The piece also ends with the heavy-handed theme, demonstrating that, overall, these thoughts will return and there is no way to ensure that they will never come back again. The use of dynamics serves as a great addition to this, the first chord slams down but then gets dramatically softer. There are also long stretches of silence, during which the listener is contemplating the previous chord or phrase. To complement this, the tempo fluctuates as the happier sections are at a much faster pace than the slower, heavier chord section. This gives the impression of time stopping as the chords fall.

This project closely aligns with Nietzsche’s thoughts about art. Nietzsche believed that the Dionysian man used art as a coping mechanism for the world. He sees art as “not just an imitation of nature but its metaphysical supplement, raised up beside it in order to overcome it” (Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy, 142). Followers of Dionysus have “looked deeply into the true nature of things, they have understood and are now loath to act. They realize that no action of theirs can work any change in the eternal condition of things” and so need a different means, besides directly confronting the problem, to cope with it (Nietzsche, 51). As a result, the Dionysian man turns to a state of mind “in which everything that has been experienced by the individual is drowned” and he loses his individuality in favor of a primal, universal oneness (Nietzsche, 51). The Dionysian man then “expresses himself through song and dance as the member of a higher community; he has forgotten how to walk, how to speak, and is on the brink of taking wing as he dances” (Nietzsche, 23). In rejecting words and language, the Dionysian man is returning to his animalistic roots. This is not a descent, he is nearly “taking wing” and actually ascending through his regression. The idea of using music, instead of words, parallels this project. Beethoven used a piano and music to illustrate the pain that he was in, similar to the Dionysian man dancing and partying. Neither of them use words or directly articulate their suffering, and in doing so make their pain more encompassing. Nietzsche would admire this act for its expression of emotion within art and without explanation or rationality.

According to Nietzsche the use of this method of coping with the world decreased with Socrates and Euripides. With the rise of these two figures, science and rationality became the method used to deal with the world. Ultimately though, science “believes that the world can be corrected through knowledge and that life should be guided by science; that it is actually in a position to confine man within the narrow circle of soluble tasks” as man ignores the rest of the world that cannot be solved through science (Nietzsche, 108). As a result the “tragic spirit was… forced to flee from the realm of art” as art also became scientific (Nietzsche, 107). Plato would agree with this sentiment, he holds rationality above all other qualities. He advocates censoring art to only provide educational stories to the young in order to make them strong and courageous. Determining what “should and should not be heard, from childhood on, by men who would honor gods” is something that Plato sees as formative for citizens (Plato, The Republic, 63). For Plato, a work like this that centers around a troubled individual is problematic and would be banned from the city. It does not teach any morals or strength to the audience, but instead presents the mentality of someone struggling with their own existence and the despair within the world. This is not behavior that Plato would endorse, or want to pass on. Therefore, this piece would be banned within Plato’s world.

Nietzsche and Plato represent two opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to thinking about art and its purpose within the world. While Nietzsche uses it as a return to our primal roots and a way to lose our individuality in order to gain tolerance of the world, Plato uses it to teach and demonstrate how to live. Art must be used to communicate pain because Plato’s world does not allow one to deal with the world as a whole; only to investigate a small piece of it and ignore the rest.