2019

Not going to lie, this was a horrible year for me. Let’s reflect shall we?

I thought the year was going to be amazing. This time last year, I was applying to grad school and had so many great interviews lined up. I was in a wonderful relationship that I wanted to focus on more in the coming year. I was in a killer band. Things were good.

Couple weeks into January, I found out that my partner had been cheating on me for several weeks. Things. Went. South. Real quick. Mental health fell apart. I’ve been calling it the Great Brain Crash of 2019. I was having meltdowns nearly everyday at work. Basically I got lucky that I didn’t hear about this until after my interview for the school I’m currently at, because I phoned in the rest of them. There are so many old friends that I don’t trust or talk to anymore because they all ghosted me after the cheating.

This depressive state lasted for about six months, primarily because it took me AGES to stop blaming myself. Things got slowly better after that. I quit my job in June to focus on my band friends before moving and heading back to school. That was awesome! But Pride month was super hard since I didn’t feel proud, I felt broken and unlovable. And I hadn’t felt like that since I came out as asexual.

But as a result of all this, I cut so many people who don’t care about me out of my life. And that still hurts sometimes. It’s better in the long run though. And as a result of all this I finally settled on being gray-romantic and non-binary. So that’s all good, it’s important to figure these things out for yourself and I had been putting that hot mess off for years.

After moving back home for the summer (until I left for school), we did have a huge highlight of the year. I traveled through Europe with one of my best friends, and one of the few reasons why I made it through the first half of the year. That was incredible, I’m so happy we did that. :)

The second half of 2019 I (once again) thought was going to be good. I was in grad school, I had made it through the worst. And shit kept hitting the fan.

In November my uncle went from diagnosis to death in three weeks. It was scary, realizing that life could come apart that quickly. He wasn’t unhealthy, and all he had was back pain until he got a CAT scan and they found the cancer. But the hardest part was seeing my mom and aunts/uncle and grandparents so upset. Seeing people you look up to go through a tough time is scary. And with the holidays right after, this is still grief that’s being processed in my family.

And no more than a week later, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Now don’t freak out, it’s the most common and treatable form of cancer, but still scary right off the heels of another cancer-related death. I basically flung my finals in, came home, and got a thyroidectomy. Ya gurl is now missing half her thyroid. And that should hopefully be it for treatment, no radiation or anything unless it’s a rare, aggressive, case.

Honestly, I’m so happy that this shitshow of a year is over. I just want to put all of this behind me. I know that the end of the year and the end of the decade is an arbitrary time point and a social construct and all that, but I want it gone. I know that this isn’t stuff that you just “get over” but I want to get over it. I want to be done.

My hopes aren’t high for the next year or the next decade, but hey it can’t be any worse than what I just went through. Here we go folks.