This is literally 6 pages of dumb, probably inspired by the
Dirtbag Shakespeare series on The Toast. Now go read the actual book (do that
before you read this, it might seem actually funny then).
Chapters 1-4: Jason
Jason: Darnit, I’m old! I can’t handle this! The future is
too close! I can’t handle this! Give me back my old body!
Piper: Hey, at least I’m pretty.
Jason: I guess so. Wait this is just like Rick and Morty.
Can we be Rick and Morty?
Annabeth: Not now Jason!
Jason’s mom: My baby!
Jason: Eww mom quit calling me, I’m hanging out with
friends.
Annabeth: Quit talking to your mom, it’s fight time!
Jason: *makes lightsaber noises*
Stabby Guy: Die symbol of the patriarchy!
Jason: *dies*
Piper: I think this is a metaphor!
Annabeth: *starts lifting up her shirt to get Leo’s attention*
Chapters 5-8: Reyna
Nico: Let’s play this a good idea: falling into a volcano.
Reyna: Can you fucking not?
Coach Hedge: I LOVE THIS GAME
Nico: Fine, let’s just do stupid tourist things in Pompeii.
I love dead people, they’re much less annoying than alive people.
Dead people: Did someone say it was a par-tay?
Nico: I take that back, you guys are annoying too.
Chapters 9-12: Leo
Leo: I’ll just hide here so everyone can look at my butt.
Heh heh, butts.
Buford: PUT SOME CLOTHES ON
Leo: butts butts butts butts everybody!
Percy: Could we actually have a productive meeting for a
change?
Jason: We have to defeat victory and other paradoxes.
Leo: I am so ready! Let me at em, grrrr.
Frank: The animal schtick is my thing!
Hazel: Me, Frank, Percy, and Leo can challenge Nike.
Nike: I am the goddess of sports shoes! But you only ever
see men in the commercials. That’s because they’re scared of female athletes!
*high-fives Hazel* Compete for your lives!
Frank: I don’t wanna.
Nike: You ruin every party. Come on just one round of Mario
Party.
Percy: Don’t even joke about that, that game ruins
friendships.
Nike: Fine just a fight to the death I guess.
Leo: Let’s do this thing with these things I conveniently
made!
*they capture Nike and drag her back as a spoil of war*
Chapters 13-16: Nico
Nico: I have a ton of angst so I’m just going to send people
trippy dreams.
Clovis: Better than drugs.
Nico: Go back to sleep.
Coach Hedge: Hey Nico, you want to take shots?
Nico: I just woke up.
Coach Hedge: It’s shots o’clock then! Shirtless o’clock is
in ten minutes.
Reyna: Could you fucking not?
Hades: My son.
Nico: Dad you’re ruining my vibe.
Hades: Fine I’ll just give you some drugs.
Nico: I can get my own.
Hades: I’m trying to connect with the youth! Now do you want
one marijuana or two?
Nico: Dad leave.
Reyna: Hunter, six o’clock!
Coach Hedge: Did someone say shirtless o’clock?? *rips shirt
off and gets stuck in it*
Reyna: Do I need to do everything around here?
Nico: Percy is so pretty…
Reyna: Nico, get us out of here.
Chapters 17-20: Piper
Piper: There’s got to be poison around here somewhere… Let’s
just lick things until we find it.
Frank: *turns into a cat and starts cleaning* Hey I think I
found some.
Poison Guy: Here ya go, I won’t card ya.
Piper: Wow I didn’t even have to seduce him.
*on ship*
Piper: Jason I love you.
Jason: I know, you keep telling me!
Piper: Do you like me? Tell me I’m pretty!
Jason: Fine, you’re pretty.
Piper: Giants are starting shit!
Percy: *breaks all the toilets*
Leo: Did you have to clog all of them? There’s a lot of
butts around here!
Annabeth: Come on Piper, let’s go fight fear to add to our
victory.
Piper: Giant! Tell me I’m pretty!
Giant: Ewww you’re gross.
Piper: Well if you won’t look at me I guess I won’t look at
you. *starts feeling around* Annabeth!
Annabeth: *the struggle is pretty real*
Piper: Don’t think, feel around! Use the baby thoughts you
were just reduced to!
Annabeth: Well now we have this giant ear.
Piper: Mine’s much prettier. Take it, gods!
Chapters 21-24: Reyna
Reyna: Darnit, we landed in my home. This means backstory
time.
Nico: I had some oatmeal this morning. It was cold and
tasteless.
Reyna: My backstory, not yours!
Coach Hedge: Why helloooo there alcohol! Meet liver!
Hunters/Amazons: Bazinga!
Hylla: A blast from the past!
Reyna: And my sister. This really is backstory time.
Orion: I have you now! Die recurring minor characters!
Reyna: Well, shit just got real.
Chapters 25-28: Jason
Jason: Oh my gods, did Percy start another storm because his
food wasn’t blue?
Percy: Hey I was playing Final Fantasy when this started!
Let’s go check it out!
Jason: Hold on, I just have to kidnap a wind spirit and
force it into slavery.
Storm goddess: You little shits.
Giant: I’m her gigolo! Excuse me while I puke poison!
Percy: You’re excused.
Jason: Wait! If I please you with sexual favors, will you
stop?
Storm goddess: Only if it’s to my Greek and Roman sides.
Jason: Perfect, I wanted to get around a lot and travel
anyways.
Percy: *dying of poison* tHAt’s WhaT sHe sAId!
Storm goddess: Well I guess I don’t need you anymore. You
weren’t that good at it anyways. *decapitates Giant*
Jason: Percy! Should I give him mouth to mouth?
Percy: No way! I have no idea where that mouth’s been!
Storm goddess: I think I know… You were unconscious for a
while Percy.
Jason: My wound healed! Do you think this is symbolic?
Chapters 29-32: Nico
Nico: My transformation into the darkness is almost
complete!
Reyna: Ok, so here’s my backstory-
Nico: If it doesn’t involve darkness and meaninglessness
then I don’t care.
Reyna: It’s sad, you should like it.
Roman jerk: This is the po-po! Hands up!
Reyna: I’m in the middle of revealing my past!
Roman jerk: Tell it to these dead people!
Nico: Hey! Those are my pals! How dare you use them against
me! *morphs into the Hulk and kicks Roman jerk’s ass* *then promptly falls
asleep*
Coach Hedge: Good news! I had a drunken correspondence with
some nature hippies, and we’re either getting a ride or I just got invited to a
threesome!
*pegasi appear*
Coach Hedge: That’s a little more than a threesome…
Chapters 33-36: Leo
Leo: Nooo! The love of my life! My ship’s butt!
Hazel: Don’t you mean the engine?
Leo: IT’S A BUTT
Jason: So who wants to talk to Apollo?
Leo: I do! And Frank and Hazel are coming with me!
Frank: He coerced us!
Hazel: Fine, let’s go. We barely get to do anything anyway.
Apollo: *playing horrible country* Well my girlfriend left
me and she took my tractor so all the meaning in my life is gone-
Artemis: That’s every country song ever! Play something
else!
Leo: I put all of my love for butts into this instrument.
Apollo: What a coincidence! I like butts as well! Here’s
some information!
Leo: Sounds like a good way to die young, I’ll take it!
Apollo: But also check with my son, because I’m pretty
useless.
Apollo’s son: I’m really pretty useless as well.
Leo: Here let me rewire your conveniently programmed things
so we can get in.
Jason: Wait I think we can play Super Smash Bros Brawl on
that screen.
Leo: Sick! I call Captain Falcon!
Jason: He literally just poses, he doesn’t even really move.
Leo: Well you always insist on being Jigglypuff so you can’t
really talk.
Apollo’s son: You all have personality disorders!
Piper: But I’m pretty!
Apollo’s son: Oh shush. Fine, maybe Leo’s ok.
Piper: There must be something wrong with Leo!
Chapters 37-40: Reyna
Reyna: The Romans got some really big guns! Shit just got
real again! Wait, let’s try to reason with that one.
Tyson: The cavalry is here!
Reyna: Ok you guys go start shit, I’ll take care of the huge
statue.
Orion: Hey girl hey!
Reyna: You male! I am woman, hear me roar!
Orion: Not again! I hate women! *dies like the patriarchal
scum he is*
Reyna: Score! I got a new cloak!
Chapters 41-44: Piper
Snake people: hiss hiss motherfucker
Piper: I got this guys, my name even has “pipe” in it, I’m a
natural snake charmer. *clears throat* Don’t drop that thun thun thun…
Snake people: It’s so beautiful!
Rest of crew: I’M IN PAIN!
Piper: Now lead us into certain danger! And tell me I’m
pretty.
Snake people: Yes wise snake mother. You’re very pretty.
Annabeth: Kay so Piper and me started a girl club so we’re
going, and let’s take my boyfriend for good measure.
Giants: Oh look a snack.
Percy: I taste like seaweed! You won’t like me!
Jason: Can I cook that snack for you? *zaps giant* whoops, I
missed.
Leo: I have a huge ass war machine up here! Heh heh.
Annabeth: *bleeds on them*
Giants: AIDS! Get away from her! Bleed all over the earth
instead, she wants your disease.
Percy: Darnit, it’s so dry in here my nose is bleeding! Look
at what you did!
Piper: Percy you’re going to stain your-
Percy: *drips blood on ground*
*everything falls to shit*
Chapters 45-48: Nico
Nico: Ok losers, this is what we’re going to do-
Will: As your self-appointed doctor, you should pipe da fuck
down!
Nico: This is why I hate people.
Will: Let’s just take out those things.
Romans: Hey! Listen! It’s Greeks!
Will: I shall sacrifice myself valiantly! *sprints off*
Nico: Dumbass. Let him die. Oh alright, let’s get him.
Greek extra #1: It’s a bird!
Greek extra #2: It’s a plane!
Nico: It’s fucking Reyna with the damn statue.
Reyna: Ok listen to me peasants! We need to unite!
Octavian: I don’t fucking think so.
Gaea: Too late pathetic children.
Reyna: Could shit stop getting real??
Chapters 49-52: Jason
Jason: Dad! That was so cool how you did the thing-
Jupiter: Not now, annoyance. We need you to do our dirty
work again.
Jason: If it makes you love me, then sure!
Jupiter: Alright, everyone hold on while I bitchslap you to
the other side of the world…
Leo: That was awesome! Ok Festus, morph into your dragon
form!
Gaea: Not more meddling kids!
Leo: How about you get up here, old lady?
Jason: Wait, I want to be included! Come on girlfriend!
Piper: Yeah I have to say a word or something. Let’s go!
Gaea: You’re ugly!
Piper: BOOBS
Gaea: Nooooooooooooo
Leo: Great good job +A for you now leave.
Jason: What? No!
Leo: I love you…r butts guys.
Jason: What?
Leo: *explodes everything*
Chapters 53-56: Nico
Nico: Octavian! I’m going to hurt you!
Will: Doctor’s orders!
Octavian: I know you are, but what am I?
Will: That was an awful comeback!
Octavian: *basically blows himself up*
Nico: Jerk deserved it. Wait, do I feel sadness? What is
this?
*after battle is over*
Nico: *arriving at Hades cabin* No place like home I guess.
Percy: So are you staying?
Nico: Sure. Also, you’re much prettier than Piper.
Percy: Hey thanks bro! Tons of homo?
Nico: Tons of homo. But I have my doctor Will now to give me
check-ups. If you know what I mean.
Percy: Ooo high five bro!
Chapter 57: Piper
Piper: Hey Reyna, you’re pretty cool. Want to join my and
Annabeth’s girl club?
Reyna: Well ok.
Jason: Piper! Let’s go on the roof!
Piper: Won’t we get in trouble?
Jason: I am a hard core rebel who don’t follow no rules. I
might even kiss you.
Piper: Oh my *giggles*
Chapter 58: Leo
Leo: HOLY SHIT I’M ALIVE Yes there are so many possibilities
now! Like butts!
Festus: *whirls*
Leo: Wait we’re by Ogygia? I guess my butt days are over.
Calypso: You took freaking forever!
Leo: I have returned my princess!
Calypso: Don’t you call me that or I’ll dump you.
Leo: Sorry. But I gave up butts for you!
Calypso: And I’m giving up my home for you, now let’s go off
into the sunset.
Leo: Sounds great.
*iconic kissing as they fly off*
