Sassy Retellings of Some Famous Opera Storylines

Every Greek myth adapted ever: There’s a family with some serious issues, usually involving people killing each other. The gods get involved. Stuff usually gets worse before it gets better. Sometimes it never gets better at all. Usually a love plotline thrown in for good measure somewhere. Moral is to not try and live real-life Game of Thrones.

Every retelling of Orpheus and Eurydice ever (because there’s about 500 bazillion of them): Eurydice dies because she’s a lil bitch. Orpheus is sad, so he goes to the Underworld to find her again. There’s a lot of harp music and power of music junk. Persephone and Hades decide that if he’s man enough to walk back to the surface without looking back at his wife following him then she can come back to life (really, this should be easy). Spoiler: he’s unsuccessful because he looks back at her in the last second/he is also a lil bitch. I can’t remember if there’s a moral here, it’s probably don’t be a wuss.

Every retelling of Don Juan ever: Don Juan is a womanizer, and he eventually ticks off some girl’s dad and they duel because they’re both hyped up on hormones and Juan-boy kills the dad. The dad comes back as a statue when Juan-boy’s turning up and tells him to check himself. Juan-boy decides to just wreck himself instead and goes to the dad’s grave. Then a giant portal in the center of hell opens up and demons drag Juan-boy down to his fire-y fate. Moral is to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Every retelling of the Bible: You are not worthy, you are not worthy either, you really need to check yourself, but Jesus comes anyways. Worship him and await his return please.

(Note: nowhere do you actually see a fat lady in a Viking hat.)