Chapters 1-4: Jason
Jason: Darnit, I’m old! I can’t handle this! The future is
too close! I can’t handle this! Give me back my old body!
Piper: Hey, at least I’m pretty.
Jason: I guess so. Wait this is just like Rick and Morty.
Can we be Rick and Morty?
Annabeth: Not now Jason!
Jason’s mom: My baby!
Jason: Eww mom quit calling me, I’m hanging out with
friends.
Annabeth: Quit talking to your mom, it’s fight time!
Jason: *makes lightsaber noises*
Stabby Guy: Die symbol of the patriarchy!
Jason: *dies*
Piper: I think this is a metaphor!
Annabeth: *starts lifting up her shirt to get Leo’s attention*
Chapters 5-8: Reyna
Nico: Let’s play this a good idea: falling into a volcano.
Reyna: Can you fucking not?
Coach Hedge: I LOVE THIS GAME
Nico: Fine, let’s just do stupid tourist things in Pompeii.
I love dead people, they’re much less annoying than alive people.
Dead people: Did someone say it was a par-tay?
Nico: I take that back, you guys are annoying too.
Chapters 9-12: Leo
Leo: I’ll just hide here so everyone can look at my butt.
Heh heh, butts.
Buford: PUT SOME CLOTHES ON
Leo: butts butts butts butts everybody!
Percy: Could we actually have a productive meeting for a
change?
Jason: We have to defeat victory and other paradoxes.
Leo: I am so ready! Let me at em, grrrr.
Frank: The animal schtick is my thing!
Hazel: Me, Frank, Percy, and Leo can challenge Nike.
Nike: I am the goddess of sports shoes! But you only ever
see men in the commercials. That’s because they’re scared of female athletes!
*high-fives Hazel* Compete for your lives!
Frank: I don’t wanna.
Nike: You ruin every party. Come on just one round of Mario
Party.
Percy: Don’t even joke about that, that game ruins
friendships.
Nike: Fine just a fight to the death I guess.
Leo: Let’s do this thing with these things I conveniently
made!
*they capture Nike and drag her back as a spoil of war*
Chapters 13-16: Nico
Nico: I have a ton of angst so I’m just going to send people
trippy dreams.
Clovis: Better than drugs.
Nico: Go back to sleep.
Coach Hedge: Hey Nico, you want to take shots?
Nico: I just woke up.
Coach Hedge: It’s shots o’clock then! Shirtless o’clock is
in ten minutes.
Reyna: Could you fucking not?
Hades: My son.
Nico: Dad you’re ruining my vibe.
Hades: Fine I’ll just give you some drugs.
Nico: I can get my own.
Hades: I’m trying to connect with the youth! Now do you want
one marijuana or two?
Nico: Dad leave.
Reyna: Hunter, six o’clock!
Coach Hedge: Did someone say shirtless o’clock?? *rips shirt
off and gets stuck in it*
Reyna: Do I need to do everything around here?
Nico: Percy is so pretty…
Reyna: Nico, get us out of here.
Chapters 17-20: Piper
Piper: There’s got to be poison around here somewhere… Let’s
just lick things until we find it.
Frank: *turns into a cat and starts cleaning* Hey I think I
found some.
Poison Guy: Here ya go, I won’t card ya.
Piper: Wow I didn’t even have to seduce him.
*on ship*
Piper: Jason I love you.
Jason: I know, you keep telling me!
Piper: Do you like me? Tell me I’m pretty!
Jason: Fine, you’re pretty.
Piper: Giants are starting shit!
Percy: *breaks all the toilets*
Leo: Did you have to clog all of them? There’s a lot of
butts around here!
Annabeth: Come on Piper, let’s go fight fear to add to our
victory.
Piper: Giant! Tell me I’m pretty!
Giant: Ewww you’re gross.
Piper: Well if you won’t look at me I guess I won’t look at
you. *starts feeling around* Annabeth!
Annabeth: *the struggle is pretty real*
Piper: Don’t think, feel around! Use the baby thoughts you
were just reduced to!
Annabeth: Well now we have this giant ear.
Piper: Mine’s much prettier. Take it, gods!
Chapters 21-24: Reyna
Reyna: Darnit, we landed in my home. This means backstory
time.
Nico: I had some oatmeal this morning. It was cold and
tasteless.
Reyna: My backstory, not yours!
Coach Hedge: Why helloooo there alcohol! Meet liver!
Hunters/Amazons: Bazinga!
Hylla: A blast from the past!
Reyna: And my sister. This really is backstory time.
Orion: I have you now! Die recurring minor characters!
Reyna: Well, shit just got real.
Chapters 25-28: Jason
Jason: Oh my gods, did Percy start another storm because his
food wasn’t blue?
Percy: Hey I was playing Final Fantasy when this started!
Let’s go check it out!
Jason: Hold on, I just have to kidnap a wind spirit and
force it into slavery.
Storm goddess: You little shits.
Giant: I’m her gigolo! Excuse me while I puke poison!
Percy: You’re excused.
Jason: Wait! If I please you with sexual favors, will you
stop?
Storm goddess: Only if it’s to my Greek and Roman sides.
Jason: Perfect, I wanted to get around a lot and travel
anyways.
Percy: *dying of poison* tHAt’s WhaT sHe sAId!
Storm goddess: Well I guess I don’t need you anymore. You
weren’t that good at it anyways. *decapitates Giant*
Jason: Percy! Should I give him mouth to mouth?
Percy: No way! I have no idea where that mouth’s been!
Storm goddess: I think I know… You were unconscious for a
while Percy.
Jason: My wound healed! Do you think this is symbolic?
Chapters 29-32: Nico
Nico: My transformation into the darkness is almost
complete!
Reyna: Ok, so here’s my backstory-
Nico: If it doesn’t involve darkness and meaninglessness
then I don’t care.
Reyna: It’s sad, you should like it.
Roman jerk: This is the po-po! Hands up!
Reyna: I’m in the middle of revealing my past!
Roman jerk: Tell it to these dead people!
Nico: Hey! Those are my pals! How dare you use them against
me! *morphs into the Hulk and kicks Roman jerk’s ass* *then promptly falls
asleep*
Coach Hedge: Good news! I had a drunken correspondence with
some nature hippies, and we’re either getting a ride or I just got invited to a
threesome!
*pegasi appear*
Coach Hedge: That’s a little more than a threesome…
Chapters 33-36: Leo
Leo: Nooo! The love of my life! My ship’s butt!
Hazel: Don’t you mean the engine?
Leo: IT’S A BUTT
Jason: So who wants to talk to Apollo?
Leo: I do! And Frank and Hazel are coming with me!
Frank: He coerced us!
Hazel: Fine, let’s go. We barely get to do anything anyway.
Apollo: *playing horrible country* Well my girlfriend left
me and she took my tractor so all the meaning in my life is gone-
Artemis: That’s every country song ever! Play something
else!
Leo: I put all of my love for butts into this instrument.
Apollo: What a coincidence! I like butts as well! Here’s
some information!
Leo: Sounds like a good way to die young, I’ll take it!
Apollo: But also check with my son, because I’m pretty
useless.
Apollo’s son: I’m really pretty useless as well.
Leo: Here let me rewire your conveniently programmed things
so we can get in.
Jason: Wait I think we can play Super Smash Bros Brawl on
that screen.
Leo: Sick! I call Captain Falcon!
Jason: He literally just poses, he doesn’t even really move.
Leo: Well you always insist on being Jigglypuff so you can’t
really talk.
Apollo’s son: You all have personality disorders!
Piper: But I’m pretty!
Apollo’s son: Oh shush. Fine, maybe Leo’s ok.
Piper: There must be something wrong with Leo!
Chapters 37-40: Reyna
Reyna: The Romans got some really big guns! Shit just got
real again! Wait, let’s try to reason with that one.
Tyson: The cavalry is here!
Reyna: Ok you guys go start shit, I’ll take care of the huge
statue.
Orion: Hey girl hey!
Reyna: You male! I am woman, hear me roar!
Orion: Not again! I hate women! *dies like the patriarchal
scum he is*
Reyna: Score! I got a new cloak!
Chapters 41-44: Piper
Snake people: hiss hiss motherfucker
Piper: I got this guys, my name even has “pipe” in it, I’m a
natural snake charmer. *clears throat* Don’t drop that thun thun thun…
Snake people: It’s so beautiful!
Rest of crew: I’M IN PAIN!
Piper: Now lead us into certain danger! And tell me I’m
pretty.
Snake people: Yes wise snake mother. You’re very pretty.
Annabeth: Kay so Piper and me started a girl club so we’re
going, and let’s take my boyfriend for good measure.
Giants: Oh look a snack.
Percy: I taste like seaweed! You won’t like me!
Jason: Can I cook that snack for you? *zaps giant* whoops, I
missed.
Leo: I have a huge ass war machine up here! Heh heh.
Annabeth: *bleeds on them*
Giants: AIDS! Get away from her! Bleed all over the earth
instead, she wants your disease.
Percy: Darnit, it’s so dry in here my nose is bleeding! Look
at what you did!
Piper: Percy you’re going to stain your-
Percy: *drips blood on ground*
*everything falls to shit*
Chapters 45-48: Nico
Nico: Ok losers, this is what we’re going to do-
Will: As your self-appointed doctor, you should pipe da fuck
down!
Nico: This is why I hate people.
Will: Let’s just take out those things.
Romans: Hey! Listen! It’s Greeks!
Will: I shall sacrifice myself valiantly! *sprints off*
Nico: Dumbass. Let him die. Oh alright, let’s get him.
Greek extra #1: It’s a bird!
Greek extra #2: It’s a plane!
Nico: It’s fucking Reyna with the damn statue.
Reyna: Ok listen to me peasants! We need to unite!
Octavian: I don’t fucking think so.
Gaea: Too late pathetic children.
Reyna: Could shit stop getting real??
Chapters 49-52: Jason
Jason: Dad! That was so cool how you did the thing-
Jupiter: Not now, annoyance. We need you to do our dirty
work again.
Jason: If it makes you love me, then sure!
Jupiter: Alright, everyone hold on while I bitchslap you to
the other side of the world…
Leo: That was awesome! Ok Festus, morph into your dragon
form!
Gaea: Not more meddling kids!
Leo: How about you get up here, old lady?
Jason: Wait, I want to be included! Come on girlfriend!
Piper: Yeah I have to say a word or something. Let’s go!
Gaea: You’re ugly!
Piper: BOOBS
Gaea: Nooooooooooooo
Leo: Great good job +A for you now leave.
Jason: What? No!
Leo: I love you…r butts guys.
Jason: What?
Leo: *explodes everything*
Chapters 53-56: Nico
Nico: Octavian! I’m going to hurt you!
Will: Doctor’s orders!
Octavian: I know you are, but what am I?
Will: That was an awful comeback!
Octavian: *basically blows himself up*
Nico: Jerk deserved it. Wait, do I feel sadness? What is
this?
*after battle is over*
Nico: *arriving at Hades cabin* No place like home I guess.
Percy: So are you staying?
Nico: Sure. Also, you’re much prettier than Piper.
Percy: Hey thanks bro! Tons of homo?
Nico: Tons of homo. But I have my doctor Will now to give me
check-ups. If you know what I mean.
Percy: Ooo high five bro!
Chapter 57: Piper
Piper: Hey Reyna, you’re pretty cool. Want to join my and
Annabeth’s girl club?
Reyna: Well ok.
Jason: Piper! Let’s go on the roof!
Piper: Won’t we get in trouble?
Jason: I am a hard core rebel who don’t follow no rules. I
might even kiss you.
Piper: Oh my *giggles*
Chapter 58: Leo
Leo: HOLY SHIT I’M ALIVE Yes there are so many possibilities
now! Like butts!
Festus: *whirls*
Leo: Wait we’re by Ogygia? I guess my butt days are over.
Calypso: You took freaking forever!
Leo: I have returned my princess!
Calypso: Don’t you call me that or I’ll dump you.
Leo: Sorry. But I gave up butts for you!
Calypso: And I’m giving up my home for you, now let’s go off
into the sunset.
Leo: Sounds great.
*iconic kissing as they fly off*
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