This Is Beautiful: The Nostalgia Watchmen Episode

I recently finished watching the "Watchmen" tv series. It was pretty good, some things in the latter half of the show I did not agree with. But what really blew me away was the episode where the main character is under the influence of a drug called Nostalgia. This is basically her grandfather's memories in pill form so she can relive his life and experiences. The result is a beautiful blending of present and past. Added to this is that her grandfather is Hooded Justice, a superhero that is mentioned in the comic but never fully explained.

This blew me away, the fact that they took an unresolved mystery from the comic and then were able to develop and flesh it out in such a meaningful way. One example of this is that Hooded Justice wears a hood and a noose around his neck. This is the result of the grandfather nearly being lynched and keeping the noose that nearly killed him around his neck. Suddenly this figure, who was never connected to race relations before, now has a much deeper meaning and significance for the world of this story.

And beyond that the cinematography was incredible. The swapping of actors between the main character and her grandfather perfectly highlights how her memories go back and forth between her present and her grandfather's memories. It's wonderfully shot; a joy to watch.

In some ways I'm still processing it. I can't believe that this works so well with the source material and perfectly builds upon it. It's a wonderful episode, some of the best tv that I've seen lately. If nothing else, just watch that if you are a fan of the comic, it is worth every second.

Glowsticking vs. Poi Spinning

Since coming to grad school, I've been able to join a glowsticking club here. Having done poi spinning and flow arts in college, I thought it would be basically the same. But it was surprisingly hard to swap over into the new style. Figured that I would discuss it a little bit here.

So the history of both practices comes from traditional Maori poi spinning. I know very little about the history, but that's the origin of both. I assume the two branched off fairly recently, and I doubt that either looks much like the original practice, but we've ended up at two slightly different points. Glowsticking involves putting glowsticks on strings and waving them around. Poi are heavier and typically consist of a ball on a string. The resulting composition means that you can do very different tricks with them.

Poi spinning with the heavier prop means that tricks such as isolations and stalls are a little easier. Isolations are a trick where the head of the poi (the ball) appears to stay in one location in space. Stalls are what they sound like, you stall the poi and it creates a visual illusion where the poi stops, and then you can change its direction. Typically poi also translates into fire spinning very well, any trick you can do with poi is basically doable on fire.

Glowsticking is radically different, more of an emphasis is put on wraps than stalls. Wraps are when the spinner will hit themselves with the glowsticks, causing it to bounce back in the other direction. These have basically replaced stalls for changing spinning direction. Because the glowsticks are so light you can do these at very fast paces, which creates a really cool visual effects. But it seems much harder to translate these to fire spinning since you obviously should not smack yourself with the head of a fire poi.

I did some brief Googling for this and found some stuff about conflict between the two groups, or how poi focuses on flow while glowsticking is more technical. This all kinda seems like nonsense to me, there are plenty of technical poi spinners and glowstickers with great flow. It all depends on personal style. And the conflict between the two is just ridiculous, the fields are too similar to that.

So that's a deep dive into my hobby and the various layers of depth to it. I had no idea that glowsticking was an established thing until grad school, a whole new field of spinning has opened up!

This Is Beautiful: Sibelius's First Symphony

So I went to an orchestra concert over the weekend and didn't expect much of it. Pretty music, strings, yeah okay sure. But I was blown away by this piece. It contains so much contrast and beautiful melodies making it powerful and really just a joy to listen to.

Check it out here!

“Gay Apparel” edited by Rachel Sharp

December’s book from the Great Ace Digital Book Box is a collection of short stories! I really enjoy the variety of books that they include in this collection, it’s wonderful to be exposed to different genres and forms that a book can take. And when I say short stories I mean really short, the tales range from 1-3 pages. It is truly a snapshot of a scenario. Sharp collected the stories from online submissions with the only requirements being that the submissions were queer and involved the holidays in some capacity. Other than that, no holds barred. The result is a wonderfully diverse set of stories that you can read all at once, or one per day like an advent calendar.

To be honest my biggest struggle was the length of the stories. It seemed as though every couple of pages you’d have to learn a completely new world since there were fantasy and sci-fi tales thrown in. It made it really hard to binge read, which is the way I like to consume literature. Possibly it would be easier if you were reading one a day, as the author suggested.

This collection’s definite strength is in its diversity. There are people of all genders and sexualities, celebrating all sorts of holidays here. I especially loved the story where a girl buys a pet dragon for her asexual girlfriend, I thought that was super cute. There’s even a story where the protagonist uses zey/zir/zem which was super cool. And of course there’s Christmas stories, Hannukah stories, Kwanza stories, and some Yule or pagan stories. Additionally as I alluded to earlier, there are several genres being represented from the more realistic to fantasy to historical to just fantastical. It makes for a wonderful mix!

So in general this collection is great, despite the fact that I wanted to read more of the individual stories. And it all goes towards supporting queer writers! Check it out and support if you can.

This Is Beautiful: Fleabag Season 2

Like any good feminist I spent my winter break watching "Fleabag." I had heard that the first season was a bit of a slog but the second is Phoebe Waller-Bridge at the height of her writing and acting prowess. My family even recommended it to me, meaning that I was now definitely going to watch it.

It is all that and more. Don't get me wrong the first season is incredibly rough to get through. It has a great twist that hints at Waller-Bridge's prowess. I particularly enjoyed the silent retreat episode where she and her sister are at a female silent retreat. Meanwhile there's a male retreat that seems to consist of yelling "slut!" at lady dolls. The contrast between the two was hilarious and so demonstrative of current society.

The second season is where things really get good. Andrew Scott is a priest officiating the Fleabag's dad's wedding. He becomes her love interest throughout the season. His character is excellent, especially how it portrays his relationship with the church. His concerns and thoughts on it as a priest, speaking to the Fleabag, a proud atheist. The writing is so dang good.

Of particular note is her sister's arc as well. She got into an unhappy marriage with a really odd son and doesn't seem to know how to leave it. The season consists of her finding herself again and the ability to assert what she both wants and needs.

The best part might be the ending though. I don't want to give it away, but it's beautiful and sad and incredibly poignant. It is just about everything you didn't know you wanted out of the show. It sets up the characters to move forward, without relying on romantic partners. Which is probably my favorite aspect of it. We need more media like that!

The whole show just gets wrapped up so incredibly well. It is a relatively short show, but it is done excellently.

The Past Decade in Ideas

To kind of go along with my last post, it is not only the end of 2019 but the end of the 2010s in general. I wanted to do something to wrap up the last ten years of my life, to think them over and see all the changes that I made during that time. I was 15 in 2010, so there have been a lot of ideas that have shaped my growth and development. I made a list of the top 10 and will now try to elaborate on them.

1. Postmodernism

Definitely my primary influence this decade. I did not see this word until maybe 2014 when I was just starting college and exploring philosophy and modern literature, but it took my world by force. To try and boil it down to its key concepts, postmodernism is the sequel to modernism, or the idea that progress and modernity are good things and that individualism is the key to interpreting our experiences. Postmodernism turns this on its head by asserting that there is no such thing as individual experiences, everything that can happen has happened and will happen again. So there's a kind of cynicism to this in that there is no point in progress and modernity offers no change or improvement. It's not a complete idea of this, but you get the gist. 

I found postmodernism through literature. I was reading David Mitchell I believe, and he was turning the medium of a book/story on its head. I immediately tried to find more like him, and dove straight into this world. As a result, I would say that my college years and even afterwards were marked by me trying to find these common threads throughout art and experiences. And a heavy dose of cynicism as a result of all this. If nothing is unique, what on earth is the point?

2. Asexuality

One of the biggest events in my personal life was figuring out that I am asexual, hands down. It is unlikely that I'll ever experience such a paradigm-shifting event again on such a personal level. All of a sudden, everything about my worldview towards relationships and sex made sense. Coming to terms with that, coming out, joining a community all were such important events for me. Challenging the idea that "everyone has sex" or "everyone is happier in a relationship" is so important because the only way to have healthy sex and relationships is if we know that they are optional in the first place! 

3. “The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock” by T. S. Eliot

I debated including works of art in this list since there are a number of movies, books, and tv shows that have impacted me over these ten years. In the end I only kept this one on the list. I first read this poem in high school and it has yet to leave me. Now it never will since I have "Do I dare/Disturb the universe" tattooed onto my body. Whenever I am depressed or have just lost my motivation, I pull this out and read it again. Honestly I have read it so many times I can't help but hear it in my voice. If there is one work of art that defined my life this decade, it's this poem.

4. Feminism

I had a rough relationship with feminism in high school. I didn't actively identify as one, since I did not want to be seen as a bra-burning men-hating woman. Now I don't give a single fuck, men suck and I'll burn as many bras as I want. I would not say that I have an easy relationship with feminism now, just that I know a decent amount and should spend more time educating myself. Which is always going to be the case really, we can always learn more. The complete U-turn that I have had with this concept is primarily due to getting some education on feminist theories in college, but also just becoming more mature and thinking about the world more. Hopefully I find a way to continue my exploration of feminist ideas in grad school.

5. Genetics

This list came very close to not including genetics on it. It's just become such a big part of my life that I sometimes forget about it and that not everyone is obsessed with genes. But this is also an interest that only popped up in the last decade of my life! I started genetics research in 2013 after I graduated high school. This then continued into college and my work as a postbac. And now I'm in a PhD program focusing on genetics! I just am fascinated by genes and how they are regulated, it determines your health, your appearance, your kids, so many different things! And what with the development of CRISPR technology, it is a really dynamic and exciting field right now. I am very excited to see what the next decade holds for my research and genetics as a whole.

6. Adaptations of Stories

I debated sticking this within the postmodernism section but ended up keeping it separate. Since postmodernism asserts that nothing is original or unique, everything is basically an adaptation of a previous story. But within my life and interests, I have had a fascination with this separate from and prior to my interest in postmodernism. I have always enjoyed reading the book and only then watching the movie to compare the two. And I still think it is fascinating to examine how a story can succeed or fail as it is adapted into a new medium. A best-selling book will not necessarily make a blockbuster movie, it depends on how you do it. And sometimes the best way to do it involves altering the original material to the point where it is unrecognizable, and in that case what is the connecting thread? If I ended up in the humanities, this is probably where my interests would have been. I want to find some more formal way to explore these ideas, but that is very unlikely. Odds are it will continue to be a hobby and something I will constantly think about.

7. Choreography/Performance

College saw the rise of me as a choreographer. I was a dancer and an actor before then, but I did not get serious and really understand what I was doing until I started dictating what happened on stage for myself. And choreographing became how I saw myself towards the end of college, I knew how to create good choreography and wanted to push myself to create new and meaningful art. That drive fell away as I continued with my postbac and didn't have these opportunities anymore but I never really lost that drive to create exciting art. Grad school will probably involve my big return to this!

8. French Impressionism

This one is a little more out there and not something that I currently think as much about. But that does not mean that it did not have an impact on me and my development. I have to credit my high school French teacher with exposing us all to this kind of art, we watched a whole mini-series on it and discussed the works in French regularly. This idea that art could portray a subjective experience rather than simply what was in front of you was now forefront in my mind. Sure I knew that art could do that, I had never really thought about how or how that could impact a viewer. And impressionism exists in many other fields as well such as music. Debussy and Ravel are two composers that still inspire me. This was my gateway into thinking about philosophy of art and to creating my own art.

9. Writing/Journaling

Another factor that is not an obvious part of my life currently. But this decade I started journaling, just writing down what I did everyday and any thoughts that I had about life. I probably will never go through it all again but it's become integral for how I process emotions and reflect on my life. I also started this blog this decade ayo! It definitely is not read by many people (any?) but it has given me a platform to say what I want and put it out there in case someone did want to read it. All of this has only helped me with articulating my thoughts in words and to engage more fully with whatever subject I want to write about. And that has probably made all the difference in the world when it comes to my thought process.

10. Meta-modernism

Meta-modernism is down here to contrast the initial entry of postmodernism. And it has not really affected my life this decade, I only found out about it in the past couple of years, but I am hopeful that this will become the dominant idea of my next decade. If postmodernism is marked by cynicism and despair, metamodernism is the response saying that yes everything is meaningless, but we are going to be positive and find meaning in it regardless. Maybe there is no god, but we can find ideas that remind us of a god everywhere. That sort of thing. It does not ignore the meaninglessness of the world or shy away from it, but instead refuses to get sucked into its despair. This is a pretty defiant and courageous thing to do. Despite, or perhaps because, I am a horrible cynic I am becoming more and more convinced that cynicism and pop-culture nihilism are just taking the easy way out. To try and establish meaning is much harder and makes you more vulnerable, so to protect ourselves we suggest that there is nothing and make fun of those who earnestly suggest otherwise. I don't want to be that guy. I want to try and be more earnest and more positive in my approach. I have a couple of friends like this and I just always enjoy being around them since they are such a beacon of positivity. I want to be like them! I want to stop taking the easy way out and actually make myself vulnerable to my feelings and emotions instead of shutting it out. So here's hoping. The 20s are going to be roaring, emotional, and full of growth for me.

This is Beautiful: Steven Universe Future

Yes I know I know I talk about this show a lot, but I was really concerned when I found out that there was going to be an epilogue series about it. I cannot stand when media drags something out past the point it should have ended just to make money or something. But that is definitely not what is happening here.

The ending series, "Steven Universe Future," just ended last week, and it was incredible. The show addresses Steven's trauma as a result of the main show, and definitely does not shy away from the work that he has to do. It also does not so much wrap up characters' arcs but demonstrates that their stories never really end. Because nothing ever does.

It's a short series, episodes are only ten minutes long to begin with and I think there's ten total. So it really only features certain characters and certain arcs. And there is not really a series-long arc either. But it does the job, it wraps up the show and the characters that we have grown to love. And as a result I am incredibly happy with it and with leaving the show there. The makers of this show did such a good job, I cannot wait to see what they come up with next!

2019

Not going to lie, this was a horrible year for me. Let’s reflect shall we?

I thought the year was going to be amazing. This time last year, I was applying to grad school and had so many great interviews lined up. I was in a wonderful relationship that I wanted to focus on more in the coming year. I was in a killer band. Things were good.

Couple weeks into January, I found out that my partner had been cheating on me for several weeks. Things. Went. South. Real quick. Mental health fell apart. I’ve been calling it the Great Brain Crash of 2019. I was having meltdowns nearly everyday at work. Basically I got lucky that I didn’t hear about this until after my interview for the school I’m currently at, because I phoned in the rest of them. There are so many old friends that I don’t trust or talk to anymore because they all ghosted me after the cheating.

This depressive state lasted for about six months, primarily because it took me AGES to stop blaming myself. Things got slowly better after that. I quit my job in June to focus on my band friends before moving and heading back to school. That was awesome! But Pride month was super hard since I didn’t feel proud, I felt broken and unlovable. And I hadn’t felt like that since I came out as asexual.

But as a result of all this, I cut so many people who don’t care about me out of my life. And that still hurts sometimes. It’s better in the long run though. And as a result of all this I finally settled on being gray-romantic and non-binary. So that’s all good, it’s important to figure these things out for yourself and I had been putting that hot mess off for years.

After moving back home for the summer (until I left for school), we did have a huge highlight of the year. I traveled through Europe with one of my best friends, and one of the few reasons why I made it through the first half of the year. That was incredible, I’m so happy we did that. :)

The second half of 2019 I (once again) thought was going to be good. I was in grad school, I had made it through the worst. And shit kept hitting the fan.

In November my uncle went from diagnosis to death in three weeks. It was scary, realizing that life could come apart that quickly. He wasn’t unhealthy, and all he had was back pain until he got a CAT scan and they found the cancer. But the hardest part was seeing my mom and aunts/uncle and grandparents so upset. Seeing people you look up to go through a tough time is scary. And with the holidays right after, this is still grief that’s being processed in my family.

And no more than a week later, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Now don’t freak out, it’s the most common and treatable form of cancer, but still scary right off the heels of another cancer-related death. I basically flung my finals in, came home, and got a thyroidectomy. Ya gurl is now missing half her thyroid. And that should hopefully be it for treatment, no radiation or anything unless it’s a rare, aggressive, case.

Honestly, I’m so happy that this shitshow of a year is over. I just want to put all of this behind me. I know that the end of the year and the end of the decade is an arbitrary time point and a social construct and all that, but I want it gone. I know that this isn’t stuff that you just “get over” but I want to get over it. I want to be done.

My hopes aren’t high for the next year or the next decade, but hey it can’t be any worse than what I just went through. Here we go folks.