Stress

 I honestly don't have much to say other than that this has been a horrible week for me. 2022 off to a strong start. It just feels like with COVID, life, and academics that everything keeps on piling on and I haven't had a chance to catch up.

Mental health is so so important. There are countless studies showing that stress is bad for your health, physically and mentally. And many places, academia especially, are horrible at encouraging people to take breaks when they need them. Many professors and advisors dismiss students' concerns about this and create a really toxic work culture.

Last year I was part of a group that led a workshop on mental health in science, and how to make it better. Our main point was that it's okay to talk about your mental health and to make people around you aware of how you're doing. It doesn't have to be a taboo subject.

And I'm not doing great! I feel overwhelmed and as though I'm barely hanging on. Everything that goes a little wrong feels like a disaster. I don't know how or why I ended up here but I'm here! And I need a break.

So that's just my little PSA for the week. I'll be back on my bullshit once I'm capable of being there.

This Is Beautiful: "Fix Yourself Not the World"

 One of my favorite bands is The Wombats. Not sure that I've talked about them much on here, but I've been obsessed with their upbeat sound and amusing lyrics since I was in high school. Their last album came out in 2018, "Beautiful People Will Ruin Your Life," and it was incredible! While in the years since then there's been a couple solo projects, the band themselves haven't done much.

But that has all changed, a week and a half ago "Fix Yourself Not the World" came out! I have been waiting for this album since it was announced last August, I was so ready for this! And the album honestly does not disappoint. It has one of the most cohesive sounds that I've heard without feeling repetitive.

The lyrics and song titles just feel like they were made for the moment. "Worry" is all about anxiety and feeling like you're worried too much, and this is just so relatable right now. "Everything I Love is Going to Die" also seems to be born of that anxiety and it mentions quarantine right in it. I saw the band tweet that "People Don't Change People Time Does" is about LA and how that city can destroy you, but it does feel like it is also part of the cultural zeitgeist. So many of us are dealing with people that we disagree with, and wondering how we can change their minds to try and see eye to eye. It really struck a note with me. And then "Work is Easy, Life is Hard" is practically speaking right to all overworked millennials right now struggling to get their lives together. 

This band has meant to much to me over the years, it's really cool to see the changes that they are going through with their sound and topics of their songs. It really feels like we're growing together, and that's a feeling that's hard to create and maintain.

The Phrase "Love is Love" Is Harmful to the LGBTQIA+ Community

 Every once in a while I go off on a rant about this phrase and the problems it presents. I don't think I've ever written it down though, so here's a post about why using the phrase "love is love" actually negatively impacts most of the queer community and needs to be retired yesterday.

"Love is love" implies that the only reason people are queer is WHO they love, full stop. Which isn't the case anymore, there's the aromantic community (who do not feel romantic attraction), trans community (who do not identify with their gender assigned at birth), and the intersex community (whose biological sex does not fall neatly into male/female). All of which are queer and none of these identities are based on strictly WHO they love. You could easily have a straight trans individual, who is still a cherished part of the queer community.

To take a closer look at these identities, let's start with the aromantic community. It's true that some individuals within the aro community do identify with "love is love" because they love their friends or because they date, but there are plenty of aros who describe themselves as being loveless and say that they don't love at all. Just because a subset identify with this phrase, doesn't mean you can use it to apply to the community as a whole. Like everything else, it is a spectrum. You can personally identify with a phrase without tacking it onto everyone. It feels really gross to me that part of the aromantic community is alienating another part over this. 

Not to mention that emphasizing that aromantic individuals can love misses the point entirely. The existence of the aromantic community indicates that love is not an essential part of human existence and that space needs to be made for those who want to stay single and on their own. Turning that around to make it about "hey we aren't that different from you" reflects what the queer community did to the trans community (more on that later) and it's a brutal way to get acceptance.

I'm also unconvinced that anyone saying "love is love" is actually thinking of the aro community which isn't enough for me. I personally identify as aromantic, and I even date and am in a romantic relationship. Seeing this phrase around Pride Month doesn't make me feel included. I don't think anyone is using to explicitly include the aromantic community. It's more the case where some aromantics have reclaimed and adopted it. Which is fine, but it indicates that this phrase isn't being used for the whole community. Which is more reason to not use it for that.

Trans individuals are queer because of their gender identity. They could identify as trans and heterosexual. This is directly excluded by "love is love." In fact, post-Stonewall, this phrase has directly been used to exclude the trans community. A big part of marriage equality was making the case that queer people are exactly the same as straight people, they just love different people. Since the trans community doesn't fit into that, they have been thrown under the bus. Recently efforts have been rectifying this, but there is a lot of history there.

Intersex individuals are queer because of their biological sex and they are also excluded by this phrase. The intersex community has time and time again been marginalized within queer spaces. It's often forgotten about, or tacked on as a last-minute addition. But again, intersex people are queer and belong in queer spaces.

This phrase can be wielded in a very bi/pan-phobic way as well, in that people are quick to revoke "love is love" the second a bi/pan person is in a relationship with the opposite gender. And bi/pan people don't stop being queer once they're in a "straight passing" relationship"! So here these identities may not be queer based on who they love! What a concept.

With all that in mind, the only communities that directly vibe with "love is love" are the gay and lesbian communities. And if that sounds like TERF nonsense, that's because it can be! Again, "love is love" has been used to directly exclude the trans community, and separate them from modern queer rights movements by insisting that queer people are the same as straight people, we just love someone else. This is an attempt to water down queer existence to make it more palatable by alienating part of the community.

The bottom line is that people are queer because of WHO THEY ARE and not WHO THEY LOVE. Any attempt to say otherwise is likely gatekeeping queerness, and we need to be mindful of this to be supportive of everyone in the LGBTQIA+ acronym. To that end, I suggest that we abandon this phrase, and instead pick up something more inclusive. There's plenty of options, "we're here, we're queer, get used to it" or "LGBTQIA+ pride" or anything else. Doing this will allow many people to feel more comfortable within the queer community, and create more acceptance for us. So drop this phrase, get a new inclusive one instead.

This Is Beautiful: Nothing Much To Do

 I recently finished watching "Nothing Much To Do" over on YouTube. (You can find the playlist here.) It's a production put on by some college students I think in New Zealand. The premise is that it's an adaptation of Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing" but the characters are in high school and documenting this with vlogs. Oh and it's from 2014 so it's a little dated, but I honestly think that just adds to the fun!

The production is really cute, and I think that the characterization is spot on! There's a bunch of Q&A videos with the characters, and I just love all of their answers. The fact that Balthazar loves Mumford and Sons, or how obsessed with "Sherlock" Dogberry and Verges are. Beatrice is really into sci-fi books and Benedick is the perfect mix of absolutely annoying and kinda endearing. 

It's also really cool to see how they incorporate aspects of the text into the videos. The scene right before the party where Beatrice is talking about how she'd eat a man's heart in the marketplace, there's a line where she talks about how she'd go to the gates of hell and things like that. In the videos it gets turned into someone yelling "see you in hell Beatrice!" as they walk by. Apparently math class is hell in this case. There's lots of quirky little references like that, it really rewards viewers that know the source material well.

There's also a sequel that they did, "Lovely Little Losers," that's based on "Love's Labors Lost" by Willy Shakes. I'm probably going to watch it, even though I'm less familiar with this play. We'll see if it holds up even then! I think it'll be fun regardless.

“The House in the Cerulean Sea” by T.J. Klune

My family has been recommending me this book for ages now. My sister actually bought me a copy as a Christmas present and that’s how I got my hands on it. I had heard about it before, good things of course, and had heard that the author is asexual. So of course I wanted to read it!

It is a light read to be sure, but it’s enjoyable. The story follows Linus Baker, a caseworker for the governmental department in charge of magical youth who evaluates the orphanages that magical children live in, to make sure that they are being cared for. He does everything by the book, to the letter, and exactly as the rules and regulations dictate. He is, in fact, so thorough, that Extremely Upper Management assigns him to a case where he must live in a remote orphanage for a month, and report back on whether he thinks it should remain open or not. This orphanage is different though, one of the children is the Antichrist, and the others are just as unusual. He is reluctant and frightened, but during his stay there he learns about the children and about himself. He also learns that the man in charge of the orphanage, Arthur, is a magical being himself. By the end of the book, Linus has convinced Extremely Upper Management to keep the orphanage open, has moved into the orphanage himself, and is getting married to Arthur!

So the main conceit of the book is not too hard to guess. It’s all about prejudice and deciding that you know a person before you even speak to them. The children have had everyone decide who they are and what to do with them since they are born, it isn’t until they come to the orphanage and meet Arthur that an adult actually lets them be children. There’s a scene at an ice cream shop that directly parallels images from the civil rights movement in the US of course. But the gang finds allies in the mayor of the town that the orphanage is in, and they manage to start some change and win some hearts.

It's also really nice to see a queer romance from a queer author that doesn’t veer into unhealthy tropes. Linus is never unsure of his sexuality or deals with internalized homophobia. He simply deals with the fact that he’s scared to take a leap of faith on another man, something that we all deal with regardless of our sexuality. It’s nice to see, for a change. Not every book has to deal with all of the hardships of coming out and being yourself. And it’s written by an asexual gay man!

If you need a feel good gay story, this is just the book to read! Nothing serious, but all around enjoyable with a good message. One of the reviewers said that it’s like being wrapped up in a gay blanket and I really think that’s a good way to describe it.

This Is Beautiful: Re:Play a TWEWY Fan Zine

 So right before the holiday I was sent my copy of a The World Ends With You fanzine that I'd ordered MONTHS ago. I finally got my hands on my physical copy this week and it is GORGEOUS! You can find more information about the project on their Twitter account.

It's nice having a physical copy of fan art, which usually gets circulated online. It's cool to have it actually in my hands for once. And it's great to be supporting artists! I'm hoping that this year I'll be able to do more of this and put my money to good use. Plus since TWEWY things have slowed down since Neo came out, it's great to reflect on how much this game means to me.

“A History of What Comes Next” by Sylvain Neuvel

This is another book that I snagged off of Tor.com as part of their monthly free ebook series! (You can sign up as well at the link.) I had no idea what it was going in, and I was very pleasantly surprised by the outcome. I like going into books mostly blind, it keeps my mind open to whatever happens.

To summarize, this book is about a group of people called the Kibsu. They exist as mother/daughter pairs and have a superhuman ability, both to fight and kill as well as understand physics and math. Their knowledge and rules have been passed down from generation to generation, until they get to the 99^th pair: Sara and her daughter Mia. The book mostly follows narration from Mia, with a decent amount from Sara as well, and flashbacks from earlier Kibsu women. At the beginning of the book, Mia is heading to World War II Germany to try and get the German rocket scientists out. Her mother is back in the US working for the government, but while Mia’s there she finds out some aspects of their past when she was a baby and she and her mother lived in Germany. Upon her successful return, her mother elaborates on the fact that they are Kibsu, women with a purpose to take humans to the stars and cannot hope to have normal lives. Meanwhile they are being hunted by men that seem to be similar to the Kibsu that they refer to as the Tracker. This causes Sara to uproot them and move to Russia. There Mia starts to run a space mission to try and mock the US into racing against Russia to get to space. She also falls in love with a Black girl in Russia, Billie, while also getting married to another Russian scientist (this guy a man), despite Sara’s misgivings. The book ends with the Tracker finding them, a fight ensuing, and the Kibsu killing the Tracker. Sara dies in the fight, and Mia moves elsewhere to have a child and continue the line. She is now determined to figure out who the Kibsu are and where they come from.

Ok long summary, but there’s a lot going on in this book. Before getting super into it, there’s the title. I really enjoy the title of this book, A History of What Comes Next. It is never dropped in the text itself, but it captures the spirit of it. It’s almost an oxymoron, “a history” referring to the past and “what comes next” referring to the future. Similarly it’s historical fiction, we all know how the space race ends and what goes on here, but we have no idea what happens on a personal level for these characters. It’s a cool way of portraying this dichotomy.

Clearly Neuvel has done a lot of research for this book. There’s actually a fascinating chapter at the end of the book where she goes over the historical accuracy of her work and recommends further reading. Surprisingly, many of the events are very true to history, minus the inclusion of Mia and Sara. There’s also plenty of research into both climate change (there’s a side plot where they want to determine if this planet is worth saving) and rocket science. What I think is most miraculous is that all of the science is very easy to understand (yes I’m a scientist, but it’s in very plain language). Having said that though, discussing both topics was probably a bit much for most readers. Also the idea that in the 40s people were thinking about carbon dioxide levels is… A bit hard to believe.

The narration is in an interesting style, it’s mostly a monologue from the point of view character. Bullet points indicate dialogue, without indicating who is speaking. It isn’t hard to follow, context clues are typically very clear, but it feels minimalistic. There’s an increased focus on what the protagonist is thinking rather than what they’re saying.

And then there’s the queer stuff. It’s really nice to see an interracial, queer romance take place. It’s far from a focus of the book, but it plays heavily into Mia’s thoughts and decisions. And hearing them discuss the polyamorous aspects of it, what it means for their relationships and their happiness. Listening to them articulate that monogamy was not best for them and that it did not affect their love for each other is powerful.

This is the start of the series about the Kibsu, and while I probably will not immediately pick up the next book, I did enjoy reading this one. It definitely stands well on its own, and it taught me a few things about history along the way.

This Is Beautiful: Year in Search

 I just found out that Year in Search is a thing, it's a page that gives statistics on what was the most searched this year. You can find the information here! I made a joke almost a year ago that I wanted a Spotify Wrapped but for my Google searches, and it exists! Kind of, it isn't personalized but shows trends either globally or by country.

I just think it's really cool that here we have a way to see what everyone was interested in. Most are fairly self-explanatory, people searching when they can get a COVID booster and things like that. But also body positivity was searched for, and affirmations, and things like that. It's a cool little indication of what everyone was interested in and thinking about over the course of the year.

2022 is Here

 I'm never one for big New Year's Resolutions or anything like that, but I do think that it's worth it to take a minute at the end of the year and take stock. Things that happened over the past year, things to focus on going forward. I think it's more of a useful exercise than anything else, the end of the year isn't a definitive benchmark in any sense, but it can be a useful one.

A small list of accomplishments that made up 2021:

1. I have basically moved in with my partner! It's the first time that I've done this, and even though it's very personal this is still a big step and that's worth acknowledging.
2. I finally am an author on a scientific paper! I only did one experiment for this and somehow ended up as the third first author. I've been doing research since 2013 and haven't managed to get published since now, and this is probably my biggest and proudest achievement this year.
3. I got the COVID vaccine this year, it started last January when I got the original two doses and I've already gotten my booster! Very exciting, and a step towards making it safer with the pandemic.
4. I re-entered the acting world by playing Balthasar in "Much Ado About Nothing" this month and it was such a wonderful experience that I really want to do it again. It reminded me what I love about performing and gave me a lot of energy going into next year.
5. While on the subject of performing, I'm still very proud of this leviwand video that I made last spring. I learned so much about video editing for this and I think it came out looking really good! 
6. Neo: The World Ends With You came out this summer! I finally was able to play the sequel to my favorite video game of all time, you cannot tell me that this wasn't exciting for me personally.

A small list of things that I want to focus on in 2022:

1. Not letting imposter syndrome drag me down, it's very easy to feel like I'm not doing enough and I'm not smart enough as a PhD student. Pretty frequently even just this fall I felt like I wasn't doing enough because I wasn't attending as many in person events. I don't want to dwell on this as much next year, I'm doing a lot and my best and that is going to have to be enough!
2. Making art, whether it's just doodling on my phone or putting on a performance. I want to feel like I'm making things and exercising my creativity again. I think this spring will be super productive and busy, and I'm looking forward to it! But even if it all gets cancelled, I want to keep thinking of things I can create and put my energy towards.
3. Not losing hope, I think it's very easy to feel depressed and as though nothing matters anymore. COVID is still ravaging the world, climate change is here to stay, and people just don't seem to learn. Regardless of all of this happening on a global scale, I want to have to keep believing that the things that I do matter and make a difference. Maybe just to one person, but that one person matters!
4. Consuming art, I want to read more books and watch more movies and play more games in the next year! Is this a high bar, yes, am I going to pull it off, likely not, but I want to keep this drive to keep experiencing things and learning more.
5. I don't want to get my hopes up but I think that 2022 is finally going to be the year that I get to go to a concert! I have tickets to see my favorite band, The Wombats, in the end of January and I could not be more excited! (Please don't wreck this COVID, please don't wreck this COVID...)
6. Focus on my friendships worth keeping, it's so hard for me to stay in contact with people. I've managed to keep the ones that I really like around and I want to keep that up! No class or program is worth losing my long distance friends over, or even my short distance friends as we all get busy. Keeping my friends close in 2022!

I think that's enough for now, happy end of 2021! Hopefully this next year will be better and brighter!