My Impending Doom

Recently I was elected the president of a club that is very near and dear to my heart (ok it’s the circus club).

I never actually expected that to happen.

If we skip back to freshman year when I first joined, I knew literally nothing about the circus and could do nothing. Now I’m the main leviwander and know the basics of most other props. I’ve learned a lot in the past three years, probably as much as I have in classes. But that’s really not the bulk of what I learned.

I had never really taken on a strong leadership role before now. I mean I was a leader in high school, about as much as you could be, but in high school you’re always under a teacher who has final say. Now in college everything is completely student driven and it’s all on you.

Starting my first semester here I became a leader, I probably could not even tell you know why I jumped in so quickly, it was just something that I felt I wanted to do. And so it began.

I learned a lot through this process of becoming a leader in the group, not just how to handle a group of people (which I’m still not great at) but also how to put on a good production and how to communicate effectively with people to create a success.

And the best part of being in a semi-theatre group is that you get a production at the end of it, you can visibly see how far you have come and what you have accomplished. It is wonderful for getting photos and for seeing how much everyone has improved.

Despite all of this, even at the start of the semester no one really expected me to become the president. I did not even expect it. I knew I was going to run, so that I could say that I tried, but I didn’t think that I would actually get it. What ended up happening was a strange mix of people not wanting to commit to such a big role in the group, and then somehow it ended up being me getting elected.

It’s strange because I always looked up to the president as this almost perfect leader of the group, and now that person is me and I’m just a hot mess. A problematic fave, if you will. I feel like there is a lot of pressure to do well, but at the same time, I know from previous leadership experiences that you really make the role your own. You can do whatever you want with it because it is a personal job and can morph into whatever you want.

I’m excited. And terrified. Which is probably a good thing. I really want to do well for everyone in the club and everyone watching the group across the years. But most of all I want to do well for myself, because I know that I won’t be happy unless I have given this job my all. And that’s really all that I can ask from myself in the end, because it’s my journey that has brought me here and it’s my choices that will carry me through. It’s all on me, which is comforting and scary. But I wouldn’t choose to have it any other way.