Leaving a Unhealthy Environment

 I finally pulled the plug and officially left an organization that became unhealthy and draining on my mental health this morning. I have been thinking about and planning this for months, but it still was nerve-wracking to finally do it. But it also feels good, like a weight has been lifted.

Without getting into specifics, I'm on the board for an organization that had an interpersonal issue within the org that could impact the safety of other members, and I don't think the other board members took it very seriously. I've been leaving our meetings and sobbing for a while now. I love the organization, I spent four years in it, but it got to the point where I had to leave for my mental health and physical safety.

I stuck around until this morning, and then sent a letter that I had drafted to the entire organization describing why I was leaving. I couldn't live with myself without telling people why I was leaving. So I did it, and likely caused some drama. I'd been sitting on the draft for weeks, I had multiple people look at it, but it's still a big thing to do to call out someone on their mistakes.

Even with all that prep work, I still sat there for a minute or two and looked at my message, wondering if this was a good idea. Which of course it was, I'd thought about it for long enough, but it's still hard to do. And then I sent it. So of course it's been flooding my thoughts all afternoon, did anyone read it, what did they think of it, etc. And of course it doesn't matter, I've left and therefore will not see the reaction or the fruits of my actions. Which is fine, I gave it my best shot, but doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about it.

While my partner and I were getting coffee, we ran into a friendly stranger, got to talking, and they offered to do a tarot reading for us. I got the eight of swords, indicating that I'm in the middle of a conflict and that I need to pull myself together and get myself out of this situation (or something like that, I'm not an expert on tarot). Which had a pretty clear meaning to me, you got yourself out of the organization physically now do it mentally.

And that's a good reminder that there's a lot of good from this decision. I don't have the weight of this org on me anymore, future decisions aren't my problem. I'll have more clarity and freedom going forward. Which is the whole reason I wanted to leave in the first place. Things are looking up, I just have to allow myself to see it that way.